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Parrot Walk and Spider Assassin Pt. 2

May 31, 2011
Spider web

Image via Wikipedia

“Dad, there are spider webs in the car.”

I turn around quickly to the back seat–yep, I’m one of those safe driver types you always hear about–and see a rather large grouping of spider web. I thumbed the rear window down–he could’ve done it but he’s not exactly the Quick Draw McGraw types–and the webs flew out. For a moment I was pleased at the results, until the vacated webs exposed what lay behind it.

Yep. Spiders. Baby spiders. Dozens of baby spiders.

Between my kids and my wife, the car turned into a trio of Banshees, all of them demanding I pull the car over NOW! and let them get out. I do as they ask and we then scramble looking for something which I could use to expel the little buggers. Of course there wasn’t anything so the three of them decided to walk the rest of the way to the restaurant (which was only 3-ish blocks, whilst I return to the house where I could easily dispose of the bastards.


So with a smile my family heads off to food and relaxation while I head off the other direction, to do battle against the spawn. Soon I will learn my destiny.

I will spare the specific details as the horror is too gruesome to recount; I fight to flush it from my mind. I can recall the low to high to low again whine of the vacuum cleaner, crevice tool searching to feed the machine’s never-ending appetite. The brood were many, too many to count. They scrambled on their multiple limbs while others dropped from unbreakable tethers or dug in and fought back. I was not there to draw any treaty. I was not there to draw boundries and give them claim to any squat of land. I was not there to make friends. I was there for one reason alone.

When the battle was over, I was fatigued more than any time in my history. Wounds were plentiful; no man should have to endure the bloodshed what occurred over those 8-ish minutes. Once I dropped my weapon, there was nothing left of them, no sign of their existence. I staggered and fell to the comfort of back seat leather. I took a long pull from my Pepsi and wiped my mouth clean of the carnage. The car was clean of arachnid foe, as well as food crumblies underneath the booster seat and on the floormats.

It was a glorious day.

I drank deep of the Victory Wine that day. Marching into the restaurant where my family sat in wait, unknowing of the carnage I endured. But I smiled at their discussion of fries and chips while taking my place beside my wife, my Commander-In-Chief. I kept out the descriptions of  the battle field and just told them, “yep, the car’s clean. We’re good to go.”

But I knew, in my heart and in my mind, one day they would return. And they would want revenge for their fallen brethren.

And I would be ready for them.


From → Writing

One Comment
  1. Great stuff. I will share it with a friend.

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